Mrs Fischoeder
by baddie-boop
Summary: 20 year old Louise Belcher is engaged to Calvin Fischoeder, the eccentric, all-white-wearing, and now cradle-robbing landlord. Despite the disapproval of her family, Louise is determined to marry him. But will the sudden arrival of her old foe, Logan Barry Bush, cause a disruption in her wedding plans? This is NOT a sequel or continuation of "Louise's Debt", which I wrote as well.
1. Mrs Fischoeder

_Louise Belcher and Calvin Fischoeder_

 _are gettin' hitched!_

 _August 1st, 2016_

 _Join us at 7 o'clock_

 _The Whonder Wharf_

 _4701 Front Street_

 _Peck's City, New Jersey_

 _Merriment to follow_

"Mrs. Louise Fischoeder..." Louise breathed out, examining the heavy, stainless ring on her finger - it's encrusted, blood red ruby shimmering slightly. It was an expensive thing - well crafted and saturated in color - costing about 30 thousand. Of course, such a price meant nothing to Calvin - whose comb (previously owned by Richard Nixon) cost twice as much.

"Not much of an improvement from Belcher."

"Well, which one is better - a burp or a fishy smell?" Tina retorted, fixed not on her sister's garish ring but on her half-lidded gaze. The two sat across from another, a small table separating them, within the conservatory (a room that Louise had once, genuinely, thought was for radical Republican debates or something), surrounded by various leafy plants, that, upon close examination, would reveal themselves to be artificial.

"Well, I'd even take the name 'Fuckwit'. As long as I end up marrying Calvin, I'll be good." Louise rested into her woven chair, arms folding themselves - noticeably covering her ringed hand in the process. There was a brief moment of silence between the two: Tina sipping her coffee and Louise looking out at the fresh grass enveloping the property and taking note of two lengthy blades that needed clipping, Absentmindedly, she asked "So why aren't you moving in here again?"  
"Jimmy Jr. and I really need to live above his restaurant. We're really happy to be having our own place soon."  
"Jimmy Jr. doesn't seem to dislike the house - not one bit."  
"I just want to have a home of our own, Louise. It's nothing...personal…"

"Okay, Tina, I _know_ you're not very fond of Calvin." Louise blurted out slightly, eyes still plastered to the lawn outside. She could feel Tina's anxious gaze, eyebrows knitting out of worry. The family's disapproval of Louise's husband-to-be was rather evident - particularly due to her mother's excessive carping about the matter. Not that Tina was ever rude to her fiancé - god no. But Louise knew her sister, and she knew when she didn't like someone. Tina would become awkward - well "awkward-er" - and overly formal. No jokes, no candid statements. Just a courteous nod and rather faltering small talk. Calvin wasn't phased by it. He didn't realize the meaning in Tina's stiff behavior. But, then again, Calvin was such a "spry" character that he was typically blind to the issues of others.

"I don't hate him, Louise. I'm just…"

"-Horrified?" She sneered.

"Surprised."

Louise couldn't argue with that. It was a surprise. A big surprise.

At eighteen, Louise was determined to get some knowledge in business so she could actually run her father's restaurant properly. She decided that Mr. Fischoeder was _going to_ teach her a thing or two about marketing and what not. That man resisted with nearly the same intensity that Louise insisted he mentor her. While he would lock her out of the colossal mansion, she would root herself right outside - enduring drizzling storms and harsh winds. When he abandoned her at some distant warehouse and made a run for it, she walked fifteen miles just to knock on his door and deliver a smug grin. When he pretended that he wasn't home, she would climb the four story building to enter in through a skylight.

Yes, Louise was a feisty one - a cunning little spitfire who would, ultimately, end up being Mr. Fischoeder's finest protégée. Within two years, Louise had managed to double the income of the wharf. This was mainly done through the integrating of online advertising, as well through the pulling of various strings amongst her array of oddball friends. She formed a chain of successful go-karts with Critter, produced a collection of glitzy wine shoes, published a book of her father's recipes, used jingles made by her prodigious brother, and blackmailed various friends or even enemies into promoting the wharf.

One day, in the midst of her rising success, Mr. Fischoeder arrived early from a date to their shared office. Louise recalled focusing on a list of tax reductions, not thinking much about her partner's unending gaze on her.

"Rough date, Fish?" She asked, now scribbling something on the paper.

"No, actually." Calvin said, timidly scratching at a scuff mark on the table. "She was pleasant. Shallow. Big breasted. Blonde. The perfect woman."  
"So what's the deal? Why aren't you two shagging in the hedge maze or something."  
"Well, Louise…" He was pacing now, catching Louise's attention. What was going on? What was wrong? Oh god - was the date an undercover journalist? Acquiring info on their rumored partnership with a motorcycle gang? Or their hiring of a convicted bank robber? "I found myself - for the first time - bored."  
"What do you mean?"  
"I felt unfulfilled. I wasn't having a good time. Which is...very strange for me. I'm not a substance-over- style - or brains-over-boobs - type of man. I've always been…" He trailed off now, exhaling an exasperated sigh - as if he were finally finished with something.

"Calvin?" Louise murmured, now nearing his turned away figure. She flinched slightly when he spoke again - this time with a more determined tone.

"Louise Belcher, would you marry me?"

"This is going to be Mom and Dad's room." Louise explained, she and her sister standing in the doorframe of a vacant bedroom with torn up carpets. "I'm still in the process of painting the walls so they're the same color as their old bedroom. And, of course, I gave them the room closest to the kitchen."  
"And Gene's room?" Tina said, wondering into the arid bedroom, finger feeling the faded walls.

"Right by the music room, so he can make whatever tunes he wants."  
"Where would you have put my room, Louise?"

"Probably near the library so you could read whenever you wanted to." She answered, her voice then dropping low and bashful. "Also, that room is near the nursery - for your future kid or whatever."  
Tina melted slightly at Louise's coyness, which she knew to be a poor attempt on her sister's part to hide her "secret" soft side. Louise was looking down now, toe digging into the carpet, hand gripping the knob.

"Won't you and Calvin need that nursery for your own kids?" Tina asked - all quiet humiliation draining from Louise's face in exchange for blushing, vibrant degradation.

"Kids!?" She squeaked. "Oh god, no - no kids for us."

"Really? Why?"  
"Tina, come on. Can you really see me with a screaming brat? Dealing with breast pumps? Changing somebody else's diapers-"

"As opposed to your own diapers." Tina interjected, her sister ignoring the smart comment.

"Either you carry your own weight or you fall behind - that's my motto."  
"Really? Because you are housing your family - free of charge."

Louise tensed at this, mouth contorting out of the humiliation of being proven wrong. "Psh. 'Free of charge'. Those assholes are gonna be cleaning this place up - spick and span. Then Cal and I won't have to hire any more help around her."

"Are you too afraid to have sex with Calvin? Is that why you're not having kids?" Tina bluntly said, her tone not being interrogating, assuming, or frantic, but rather casual.

"What? No! I-" She sputtered, now crossing her arms. God, why did romance always seem to entail Louise's vulnerability? "I've had sex with Calvin, Tina."

"How many times?'

"Many - just this morning actually…." Louise recalled how their relations had occurred on an antique chair in the library, a product of their mimosa and muffin breakfast. Louise decided to not mention this detail, for fear that if Tina knew, the library might not seem as delectable of a place anymore.

Louise never really had much of a sex drive - surprisingly. She was a fiery, vivacious person, but not one with physical needs. And Calvin was a horny pervert - but a controlled one who, after years of experience, was skilled in the bedroom. Her future-husband had described how, during the seventies, he once lived on a hippie commune that had regular orgies, and, another time, enacted the famous _A Clockwork Orange_ love scene with some broad in a wintery NYC. In the eighties, he spent a painful, shrill night with a woman he was _sure_ was Madonna in the midst of her "Like a Virgin" phase - only for it to turn out that she was a rather tussled runaway bride. Before his relationship with Louise, he would frequently engage in "friends with benefits" relations with the various women he had acquainted himself with.

Despite his sexual appetite, Calvin was gentle with Louise - never doing any of the "freaky stuff" he used to engage in, and showed an extreme dainty tenderness towards her when she gave her virginity away - an experience that actually occurred in the hedge maze. She didn't mind that he would be her only lover, or his wrinkled state. Though "finely aged", her fiance was still a … "limber", lively man - something that compensated for his less than boyish looks.

"How many times have you and Jimmy Jr. had sex?" Louise interjected, coming back from her thoughts.

"A lot of times. I don't know the exact number, though. Maybe I should start counting." Tina responded, not at all embarrassed by the question. "I wish we could do it more, but that's difficult now with us packing and with how many people are in the house right now."

"Are there more people in the house now?" Louise snorted, only to get an awkward silence from her sister. "Tina?"

"Uh...no…"  
"T, What are you not telling me?"

"I have to get going now, Louise. I'll see you at dinner later." She said, now speed walking down the stairs and towards the door as Louise followed after her.

"T!"

"You'll find out soon enough!" Tina yelled, grabbing her coat off the hook and slipping out the door. Louise would've pressed her further - maybe even tackled her down to the grass. But she decided she was too mature for those kind of activities now. She was a businesswomen. A _wealthy_ woman. Wealthy women don't tackle people to the ground - unless that person is a bottle blonde of equal fortune and is named something like Cheryl or Brenda. Besides, whatever was going on, she would figure it out when she arrived home - at her _old_ home - for dinner.


	2. Dinner with the Belchers

Ocean Avenue was colorful in a sort of grimy way, littered with various residents who clearly belonged to the place due to their cheap and poor fashion taste, such as the elderly woman in a blue tracksuit and the pudgy blonde wearing just a speedo and rollerblades. This pair (who so diligently epitomized "lower-class") were passing by a parked car of an extremely polished state, which a woman named Louise Belcher exited out of. Despite this woman hailing from Ocean Avenue and once having an appearance that easily blended into the area, she now most distinctly did not belong there.

She was oblivious to the fact that she stuck out from the neighborhood like a sore thumb. Or maybe she was aware of it. For if she were, it would be the sort of thing she would probably revel in, loving the envy her well-tailored jumpsuit, sharp heels, and silky bob (all of these thing being a shade of the deepest black, naturally) most likely induced in the bystanders around her. Yes, Louise was rich-diggens. And she wanted everybody to know that.

The affluence she was determined to exude was somewhat dampened by the fact that her destination was none other than Bob's Burgers, an establishment that, despite being tasty, was not exactly prestigious. She was slow on the exit of her car, but quick on scampering into the place.

"Oooh, Louise. You're here!" Her mother trilled, forcing a hug onto the girl. "And you look so spiffy too."

"I always look spiffy."

"Like a black cat in heat." Her older brother Gene added.

"Come upstairs. Dinner is probably ready by now." Linda said, ignoring the strange comment from her son.

The living room was familiar to Louise, except for the various cardboard boxes that held the possessions of her parents, which would be soon moved into her own home. And the smells that emanated from the kitchen were even more familiar, causing the Belcher girl to relax and feel comforted. At the stove stood her father, stooped over the grill. At the counter was Tina, mixing something in a bowl. At the dinner table was Jimmy Jr., holding a hand of cards. And sitting across from him was none other than….

"Logan?!" Louise cried, ruining the posh image she had so diligently maintained until then.

"Hey, Belcher. What happened to your ears?" The boy cooly replied.

"Was this the thing you said I'd find out 'soon enough'?!" She cried at her sister, who coward pathetically at the accusation.

"Oh, Louise. Calm down." Linda tutted. "Logan is working for us again. He's apart of the Belcher family."

"What?!"

"Yep. One of the family. Come her, _sis_."

"Shut up, Logan." Louise hissed at him, before turning towards her mother. "Mom, how could you allow this!? What about Cynthia? I thought you hated her? Isn't the offspring of your enemy your enemy?"

"I think the phrase goes 'the enemy of my enemy is my best friend'." Logan answered. "And considering the fact that Cynthia and I hate each other, that makes me and your mom best buds. Doesn't it, Lin?"

"Don't call her that."

"Fine. _Self-appointed Mom_ , how long until dinner is ready?"

"Soon, sweetie." Linda replied, Louise scowling at the sound of her actually referring to her worst enemy by a pet name.

"Louise, hasn't it been eleven years since you and Logan started that whole feud thing." Bob interjected. "Maybe it's time to put that stuff to rest. The incident was a super long time ago"

"You mean the incident where Logan stole my bunny-ears and fooled me into believing they had been incinerated?"

"Correction: the incident where you literally threatened to have my literal ears literally cut off. Literally."

"I didn't threaten to have your ears cut off. I was _going_ to have your ears cut off. You would've been earless - if Critter hadn't been a coward, of course."

"Oh, yes, of course. How pathetic. He didn't want to disfigure a child. What a chicken."

"Enough you two. Sit down. It's chow time." Linda ordered, placing plates of food down in front of Logan.

"I'm not sitting down with this rat at _our_ family table." Louise shrieked, fuming at the very thought of having to make idle dinner chat within his earshot.

"Well, this rat now owns this table."

"Logan!" Linda scolded.

"Oh, come on! That was way too easy. I had to take it."

Louise was now feeling nauseous. Like, actually nauseous. Stomach-churning, brow-sweating nauseous. Was Logan going to own the restaurant? Her old childhood home? One of the most important places in her life?

Bob noticed his daughter's predicament, instinctively sitting her down on a nearby chair before she could pass out right then and there. Tina had to hold onto her shoulders so that she wouldn't slip onto the floor. Gene began to fan her. Linda fetched her a glass of water. Logan rolled his eyes and began to pour food onto his plate.

"You gave _him_ the restaurant." Louise croaked, glaring at the boy she was mentioning.

"Well, we need somebody to run the restaurant when we're not there." Bob explained.

"You guys are just moving in with me. You're not abandoning the restaurant!"

"We're not. But this place needs constant watch. Even at night. You now how the gas stove is. Always turning itself on. Or how the water heater is also breaking. If we can't be there to fix these problems in the middle of the night, who will be?"

"I could just buy you guys a new water heater! A new stove! An electric one! Why do you need to have Logan _contaminate_ our home?"

"Oh, come on, Louise. Once we move out, there's going to be a whole empty house above the restaurant. Somebody deserves that space, and Logan is in need of a home."

"He may need it. But is he the one that deserves it?"

"Hey, except for you, Gene, and Tina - I'm your family's longest serving employee."

This was an unavoidable truth that even Louise had to accept. After his disastrous first attempt to work at the restaurant when Logan was just a kid, he would end up coming back later on - this time working as a delivery boy, a job that kept him out of the kitchen and away from Louise. Of course, that didn't truly stop the two from tormenting each other - Louise calling in fake-deliveries that sent Logan out into the middle of nowhere, or Logan leaving various disgusting concoctions in the kitchen for Louise to clean up. Years passed, with the unending acts of revenge the two played on each other continuing throughout all of them. She never viewed him as a member of their family, or even as an employee. He was just a nuisance she had to ignore. And when Louise entered into high school, Logan's shift hours were all during times she would be in class. His presence became a lot easier to forget about, though it would still make the occasional rude appearance during holidays or school breaks. It didn't help that Logan was - as Louise so often loved to call him - an "orphan". She wasn't sure what had happened, but when Logan was sixteen his mother, still reeling from her recent divorce, finally kicked the boy out - tired of his juvenile behavior and disrespect towards her. After this, Louise's parents became even more attached to Logan - as if there tolerance for him wasn't already repulsive enough. They couldn't house him. They didn't have the money. But they became, ugh, more _caring_ about him, actually asking him about how he was doing or if he needed to talk about anything. Often times, he did - Linda or Bob taking him on long walks around the neighborhood, where they would have conversations that Louise and her siblings would try to figure out the contents off.

Louise should've done something then, while she still had the chance. She should've framed him. Or scared him off. Or maybe even murdered him. That way, he wouldn't be taking the restaurant away from her - something that her parents assured her that Logan was _not_ doing. But the Belcher girl knew that people often lied to themselves to make unfortunate situations seem better.

"Is that really reason enough to give him the restaurant?" Louise groaned. "I mean, does he even have any experience managing anything before?"

"Do you remember when you took us all on that trip to Florida?"

"Yeah."

"And we told you that we had Teddy run the restaurant while we were gone?"

"Yeah."

"Well, it was actually Logan who did that. For the whole week that we were gone."

"Oh."

"And he did a great job."

Louise slumped down her chair. She wasn't going to actually cry (certainly not in front of Logan), but she definitely _wanted_ to. How could this happen? How could she be seeing her precious restaurant going over to him - of all people?

"Don't start bawling your eyes out-" Logan groaned.

"-I am not crying."

"Whatever. I'm going to take good care of the restaurant, idiot. As foreign as they concept may be to you, I do actually _care_ about it."

"You may care, Logan. But are you even competent enough to flip burgers?"

"I guess you'll just have to wait and see, Louise."

Louise dropped her head into her hands, shuddering at the thought of Logan smugly standing out the counter - probably patting himself on the back for being such a good manager - while a cloud of smoke originating from the stove flooded out of the pick-up window. While Louise was distracted by such horrifying visions, Logan noticed something that caused him to choke on his food. The sound of his hacking and coughing caused her to look up to the pleasant sight of him turning a light shade of purple, Jimmy Jr. patting him on the back.

"Louise!" He wheezed. "Where did you get that ring?"

"What? This?" She said, motioning to it.

"Yes. It's gigantic. How much did you get that thing for. Twenty grande?"

"Thirty grande." Logan, who had reached out to touch the ring, recoiled at the answer - as if even the slightest contact with the jewelry would cause him to light on fire.

"How'd you even afford something like that?"

"Calvin gave it to me."

"Who?"

"Mr. Fischoeder."

"Why'd he do that?"

"Logan, we're engaged." Louise flatly said. She had been confused by his questions, having assumed that he was aware of the engagement. But his response told her that he was very much not.

"Um, what." Logan croaked, even paler than Louise was when she received her own horrifying surprise that day.

"Engaged. To be married. On August 1st, actually."

"Bob...are you…"

"-Yes, I'm aware of this. And no, I'm not exactly happy about it either."

"None of us are." Linda added, earning an eye roll from Louise. Logan stammered on some more, something that Louise initially took delight in until his sputtering became repetitive.

"Isn't he like...ancient?" He finally spat out. "Like he could be your grandpa. Your _great_ -grandpa."

"Yes, he could. Calvin is about fifty years older than me."

"Fifty?!"

"Fifty-one, to be exact." Tina said.

It was Logan's turn to be propped up in his chair by Tina, fanned by Gene, and given water by Linda. And it was Louise's turn to roll her eyes, the second time she had had to do so today.

"Is this some sort of late-teenage rebellion thing? Are you getting back at your parents? Because I can assure you, revenge is sweet but this more of a self-punishment than a punishment for your parents."

"No, this is pretty awful for us too." Bob said.

"Dad, stop it!" Louise hissed. "Don't act so ungrateful. It's because of Calvin that you and Mom are going to be moving into a nice, big mansion in the first place. And it's because of Calvin that you got a recipe book to be published and make good money."

"Louise, I doubt this will mean anything - but you don't have to worry about us. I'd much rather be poor and unpublished over being Mr. Fischoeder's … father-in-law." Linda shuddered at the thought, while Logan seemed to gag.

"Logan, quit being so dramatic. What's it to you anyway? You didn't even know I was engaged until now, and I've been this way for the past two months."

"Wait, you've only been engaged for two months - and you're marrying him this August?!"

"And they didn't even date before the engagement. That's how their relationship started." Gene said.

Louise stood up in her chair with a start, done with this vexing back-and-forth between her family and stupid, awful Logan.

"I didn't come here to be mocked and judged." She huffed. "I'm a busy woman and I've got better things to do. If you want me to visit, then don't be asses when I'm over."

She then stormed out, still fuming as she drove off in her shiny, pristine car.


End file.
